Last year, a Shrekish Wayne Rooney became the first footballer to ever get a giant, fireworks-filled effigy in his honor for Guy Fawkes Night. This year, the only man it could’ve been, Mario Balotelli — complete with Super Mario cap, diamond earrings, hand-held mansion, a giant bottle rocket and “Why always me?” shirt — gets one of his own.

Balotelli was a late, yet unanimous pick for this year’s effigy. But having a firework house fire and promoting fireworks safety days later made him an easy pick for the Edenbridge Bonfire Society.

From the Daily Mail:

Jon Mitchell, from Edenbridge Bonfire Society, said: ‘We were all quite worried a few days ago because no celebrities had done anything quite silly enough to be celebrated on November 5.

‘We thought about the politicians and the other usual suspects – but Super Mario earned a unanimous vote among the committee.’

The effigies are always done in good fun and Mitchell said that he’s sure a man like Mario will see the humor in it. And it’s even funnier when you realize that even after the 30-foot, fireworks-filled Balotelli has been set ablaze, it still won’t be the most dangerous Mario Balotelli out there.

Real Madrid finally ended their Stade de Gerland hoodoo as Cristiano Ronaldo scored in each half to give the Spanish giants a 2-0 win over Lyon here on Wednesday that seals their place in the Champions League knockout stages.

Ronaldo’s brilliantly-struck free-kick set the visitors on course midway through the first-half, and the Portuguese netted his and his side’s second from the penalty spot after 69 minutes to bring up his century of goals for Real after just two years there.

His goals also gave Real their first win in five attempts in Lyon and maintained their perfect record after four games in Group D.

Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo
Philippe Merle, AFP/Getty Images

With 12 points, they are now beyond the reach of both Lyon and Dinamo Zagreb—who lost 3-0 to Ajax in the evening’s other Group D game—and a win against the Croats at the Santiago Bernabeu later this month will ensure that Jose Mourinho’s men go into the last 16 as winners of the section.

Lyon meanwhile, can ill afford a slip up when they host Ajax in their next game if they are to reach the knockout stages for the ninth season running.

Half a dozen years ago, Lyon could have been considered favourites coming into this game, but times have changed, and Real’s comfortable wins in their last two meetings with the Ligue 1 club in Spain proved that they no longer had any reason to fear coming here.

Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo (C) is congratulated by his teammates after scoring
Philippe Merle, AFP/Getty Images

OL were deprived of two of their main attacking threats in Michel Bastos and Lisandro Lopez—both injured—and they never recovered from being utterly outplayed in the opening half-hour.

Preferred to Gonzalo Higuain in attack against his former club, Karim Benzema could have given the visitors the lead inside ten minutes, but, when clean through on goal, he saw his shot turned behind by France colleague Hugo Lloris.

However, with Lyon unable to deal with their opponents’ work rate and incessant pressing, a goal was not far away, and it duly arrived midway through the first period.

Benzema was brought down just outside the box, and Ronaldo stepped up to whip the resulting free-kick over the wall and into Lloris’ bottom-right corner for the club’s 900th in an illustrious European history.

Real Madrid’s Pepe (L) vies with Lyon’s Jimmy Briand
Jean-Philippe Ksiazek, AFP/Getty Images

Things could have been worse for Lyon, too, but Lloris again saved from Benzema after Ronaldo had beaten the offside trap and teed up the France striker.

Lyon began to show some signs of life as half-time approached, with Kim Kallstrom’s speculative effort almost surprising Iker Casillas before Yoann Gourcuff, who had been anonymous for most of the first half, was denied by a good Casillas save after being played in by Bafetimbi Gomis.

For all their control, Mourinho must have had concerns about his team’s inability to kill the game off, and Lyon came out fighting after the restart.

Ederson—the Brazilian making a rare start after an injury-ravaged year—was denied twice in quick succession by Spain’s World Cup-winning captain as Madrid lived dangerously.

D.C. United saw their seven-game unbeaten streak end, but may be facing the perfect opponent against which to bounce back.

United look to get back on track Thursday night when they host the New York Red Bulls, who have yet to score on the road this season.

D.C. (3-2-7) was 2-0-5 in its last seven league matches before Saturday’s 2-1 loss at New England. United held a 1-0 lead at halftime after a goal by Fred, but let it slip away by conceding an equalizer in the 55th minute and a disputed penalty kick to the Revolution in the 90th.

After a dominant first half, United felt like they gave the match away over the final 45 minutes.

“We were way too spread out,” United midfielder Santino Quaranta said. “We weren’t compact. I think that there is going to be times in a game with a wave, and we didn’t do well. Balancing our attack and our defending, we didn’t do well, and we need to do better.”

The chances are good that D.C. will do better against New York (2-7-3), which has nine points – the lowest total in the Eastern Conference. The Red Bulls have played their worst on the road, going 0-4-1 while being outscored 6-0.

United gained a leg up towards retaining the annual Atlantic Cup these rivals play for with a 3-2 victory at New York on April 26. D.C. got goals from Luciano Emilio and rookie Chris Pontius in a 36-second span of the final minute to stun the Red Bulls.

New York fell to 4-10-4 against D.C. over the last six seasons – a span in which United has retained the Atlantic Cup every year. This is the final meeting between these teams in 2009.

It isn’t coming at the ideal time for New York, which is starting a difficult road trip that includes a visit to New England on Sunday. The Red Bulls completed a 1-2-1 homestand with Saturday’s 3-2 loss to Colorado.

“We are in a very difficult situation right now,” New York midfielder Albert Celades said. “We were hoping to obtain more than four points while we were home, but that wasn’t the case. Now we have to go get those points away from home.”

New York star Juan Pablo Angel has a team-high four goals, but like his teammates is still waiting to break through on the road.

“It’s getting harder and harder,” Angel said. “It’s hard to explain it or justify it. I just think we just have to work harder than we are right now and try to turn things sooner rather than later because it’s almost halfway through the season and we haven’t been able to get this sorted out.”

The votes are in, and Goal.com’s Major League Soccer player of the week for matchday 11 is Conor Casey. The target man powered home two more goals for the Colorado Rapids to take him up to eight on the season, making him the league’s top goalscorer in the 2009 season.

The 27-year-old seemed to read crosses far before his markers, and could have added another two against the New York Red Bulls, but his brace was enough to make the difference in a 3-2 away win for the Rapids.

“With the way he’s been scoring goals lately, it’s hard to imagine Casey won’t get a shot with the national team in the near future,” said Goal.com’s Seth Vertelney. “Another two goals and another win for Colorado, one of the league’s pleasant surprises in the early going.”

Casey’s goals have propelled the Rapids up to fourth in the Western Conference, only two points off Houston in second.

Chief editor Andrea Canales echoed the calls for the former Mainz striker to return to the U.S. National Team.

“Do you hear footsteps, Brian Ching? There’s a big bruiser of a forward who is getting the job done up front and could eventually get a look from Bob Bradley for his efforts.”

Another former international who impressed in domestic play this week was the New England Revolution‘s Taylor Twellman. In his first game back since October 25 of last year, Twellman offered the emotional boost needed for the team to win its first in seven matches.

“You can’t quantify what Twellman did for New England on Saturday night with any numbers, but he was clearly the most influential player on the pitch after coming on in the 25th minute,” said associate editor Allen Ramsey. “No goals, but he was involved on both. He also changed the entire nature of how New England was playing.”

The official announcement of Kaka’s transfer to Real Madrid has been held up after Chelsea made a last-gasp bid for the Milan ace, according to Sky Italia.

The Spanish and Italian media are absolutely certain that Kaka will join Madrid in a €65 million deal, and just an hour or so ago Sky Italia claimed that the Brazilian had given his approval to the move.

An official announcement was then expected imminently, but this confirmation has reportedly been delayed after Chelsea lodged a last-gasp bid to try and sign Kaka themselves.

The 27-year-old is still expected to sign for Madrid, despite the presence of Kaka’s old Milan mentor Carlo Ancelotti, who only took over as manager of Chelsea on Monday morning.

MADRID (AP)—Spanish soccer powerhouse Real (Ray’Al) Madrid has added a preseason exhibition in Canada to its North American tour this summer.

The club said on its Web site Wednesday that Madrid will play Toronto FC at BMO Field on Aug. 7—two days before a previously announced game in Washington against DC United at FedEx Field.

Madrid finished runner-up to archrival Barcelona in the Spanish league this season.

The club this week appointed Florentino Perez as its new president and Manuel Pellegrini as coach.

Somewhere amidst the chewed-up fake grass, hostile atmosphere and sweltering heat of Estadio Ricardo Saprissa in San Jose, Costa Rica, lies a rare commodity for the United States national team.

Opportunity.

Bob Bradley’s side faces one of its toughest tests in CONCACAF qualifying on Wednesday, an imposing away date against one of the strongest teams in the region.

Yet while history would suggest Bradley and his players should approach this contest with a sense of foreboding, it also presents a rare chance to shine and produce something unexpected. Plaudits come few and far between for the USA. Such is the nature of the CONCACAF zone.

The team is expected to win its home games. Check. Comfortably reach the World Cup finals. Check. And lose away to Mexico and Costa Rica. Check.

Victories over Honduras, Trinidad and Tobago and El Salvador are hardly likely to get the elite nations of world soccer quivering with fear, and it often feels as if Bradley’s troops are on a hiding to nothing.

Win, and it is nothing more than expected. Anything less, and catastrophe beckons.

Wednesday’s game, plus the trip to Mexico City’s Estadio Azteca on Aug.12, are perhaps the only two out of 10 final-round qualification games in which there is a chance to make a real impression.

Certainly, it won’t be easy. USA has only claimed one point in seven visits to Costa Rica and lost all six matches at Saprissa.

Things have gotten even more testing in recent years, when Costa Rica successfully applied to FIFA to be allowed to install artificial turf because of problems in keeping the field in good condition due to tropical rains.

The USA players are not fans of the surface, which, when combined with a fervently patriotic environment makes for a big home advantage.

“Costa Rica has had great success at Saprissa Stadium,” Bradley said. “It’s loud and it is a different game on turf. They’re very comfortable there. They have great confidence there, and we are aware that we’ve never won there, so when we look at different challenges and talk about things that we still want to achieve, this is a good example.

“We know that these kinds of games require a real commitment as a team, a good game plan, and finally just good efforts on the day. It’s a big challenge but one that we’re very excited about.”

Goalkeeper Tim Howard, just returned from reaching the FA Cup final and finishing fifth in the English Premier League with Everton, agreed.

“It is a difficult place to go, no doubt about it,” Howard said. “But we have more experience in our squad now, and I think we are in good shape to handle the challenge. We know that to make people sit up and take notice we need to go to places like this and win games.”

Costa Rica sits in second place in the table, a point behind USA, which tops the six-team pool with three games gone.

The top three finishers can book their flights to South Africa next year, with the fourth-place team facing a playoff with a South American nation.

Following the Costa Rica clash will be a home fixture with Honduras in Chicago, before the team jets to South Africa for the Confederations Cup. Bradley and USA fans will be anxious to get qualifying taken care of quickly, to avoid a late scramble for points.

A positive result in Costa Rica would go a long way toward passage to South Africa next year and provide a welcome morale boost for the team.

USA has a chance to add meaning to what otherwise is merely a means to an end.

It’s been a crazy week here at Goal.com. I debuted my fantastic new column, “Fish & Chip Shots,” which was met with somewhat mixed reviews. Barack Obama was inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. Craig Bellamy signed with Manchester City. That kind of thing.

So it’s no wonder going into the weekend, I was hoping for some normalcy. Unfortunately for this soccer-crazed and highly-caffeinated journalist that is not the case. The weekend holds a smattering of FA Cup action, followed closely by a midweek helping of EPL. Now this may just be me, but I thought cup matches usually took place midweek and league matches had a firm grip on Saturdays and Sundays?

Apparently not in 2009, as this is the second column that I’ll be writing that features FA Cup action. This is never a problem as I love the FA Cup. The problem is this time around the EPL fixtures are mixed in and I have to cover those as well. It’s a tough life, I’ll tell ya that much. Writing arduously from the comfort of my home about something I’m passionate about, and then this happens. I have to write even more because the schedule makers want to bless us with only one day of soccer-freedom.

I suppose things could be worse. I could be writing about the NBA.

What it comes down to is trouble for next week’s line-up of Shane Evans-generated content. I’ll be writing a “Fish & Chip Shots” for Thursday following the last EPL match of the (mid)week, and then a brand new TFE for Friday. Phew, quite a lot to handle. Don’t worry though, I’m on it like Billy Gallas is on any forward in the EPL, which is to say I’ve got it covered. Wait…

Ok anyway, for those of you who remember the FA Cup version of The Full English, we’ll do something similar this week, just with the regular dosage of EPL coverage mixed in. Of course, it’ll be chronological so I don’t confuse anyone. I do have a lot to cover, not to mention a lot of predictions to get right, so let’s get started.

The Bacon (as in Bringing Home The FA Cup)

Liverpool v. Everton – Easily the best FA Cup match of the weekend. Ok it’s on Sunday, thus throwing my chronological declaration to the wind, but how could I not start with this one? The teams face each other for the second time in under a week and it will surely be another heated battle. Everton barely escaped with a tie in the first encounter on Monday. This time they won’t be so lucky as the red side of town advances. Prediction: Liverpool

Chelsea v. Ipswich – Didier Drogba is apparently back in the line-up for this one. He’s been benched the last two games (more on him in the Toast), and Chelsea have won both, although barely. With Drogs in the team, they look like their old selves and dispose of The Tractor Boys handily. Prediction: Chelsea

Sunderland v. Blackburn Rovers – Another intriguing cup tie. The Black Cats have been slipping while Blackburn have seemed to find themselves under new boss, “Big Sam” Allardyce. He makes the difference in this one and the Rovers continue their upward swing. Prediction: Blackburn

West Bromich v. Burnley – These two teams might as well be in the same division this year. But which one…the Championship or the EPL. Burnley have been playing that good, especially in cup fixtures, while West Brom have just been awful. I would say Burnley is ready to kill another giant (they knocked Chelsea, Arsenal and nearly Tottenham out of the Carling Cup), but West Brom hardly qualify. Still, Burnley want hardware. Prediction: Burnley

Wolverhampton v. Middlesbrough – The tasty match-ups continue to come as this one could spell trouble for the team in the top division. The way Wolves are playing this season, they’re a sure bet for promotion, while Gareth Windsor Tie and the boys would do themselves some good by not letting West Brom whip them 3-0. Wolves make themselves known and thump ‘Boro. Prediction: Wolverhampton

Manchester United v. Tottenham – The teams will go head-to-head in the Carling Cup final as March comes, but this fixture, being only the fourth round of the FA Cup may be more important. Though the importance of each match may be debatable, the result is the same. Glory Glory Man United. Prediction: Manchester United

The Bacon (as in Bringing It Home)

Everton v. Arsenal (Goodison Park, January 28th, 2:55 p.m. ET, Setanta Sports)

The Toffees have had to play three of the biggest games of their season in consecutive order. Following two heavy-weight bouts with crosstown rivals Liverpool, Everton will welcome the Gooners to town for another huge contest. The match itself is for control of fifth place, as an Everton win would inch them closer to continental football, while an Arsenal win would put them eight points ahead of Everton with an eye on fourth and beyond.

I think the outcome of this match will rest heavily on how Everton fare against Liverpool on Sunday. The emotion they will have to put out in that game could either propel them past Arsenal in this one, providing they win, or it could severely hamper them if they lose. Arsenal on the other hand are finally starting to play as a team and dispatched Hull  in their last league fixture and with a win in this one would certainly put them back in contention. For what, I don’t know.

The key to this one is finishing. Arsenal have it, buckets of it. Everton are too banged up to know if they do or not.

TFE Prediction: Arsenal realize they need this one and play a typical Wenger style game. Gunners 2-1.

Wigan v. Liverpool (The JJB Stadium, January 28th, 2:30 p.m. ET, Fox Soccer Channel)

The Latics weren’t given the easiest stretch when the schedules were made as only a fortnight ago they were fresh off four convincing wins in a row and things looked good. Now two straight losses to their rivals in Manchester and a fixture against perennial powerhouse Liverpool spells trouble for Steve Bruce’s overachievers.

There’s more. Palacios is gone, off to Spurs, and by the time this fixture is played Emile Heskey could be back in the midlands playing for Villa. It took longer than I thought, but the dismantling of Wigan has begun.

Liverpool, are still shocked that Everton came back and tied their match on Monday, not to mention the fact they aren’t top of the league for the first time in months. They’ll be out to prove something in this one and whether they will admit it or not, Wigan is primed for a butt kicking.

TFE Prediction: Liverpool let out their frustration on the disheartened Latics in their 3-1 win.

West Bromich v. Manchester United (The Hawthorns, January 27th, 2:40 p.m. ET, Setanta Sports)

Should we go into how the match ended the last time these teams played? Yea, I thought so. United weren’t even in their groove at that point.

Now they are. Watch out. Oh, and more room at the top of the table please.

TFE Prediction: Goals come from everywhere in this one. I’m saying it right now, if he plays, my distant cousin Jonny Evans will score a goal. United win big…again, 4-0.

The Toast (Of The EPL): Revolving Door of Strikers Edition

Emile Heskey, Wigan Athletic: Heskey is another one of my faves. A Leicester boy through and through, the hulking forward made 154 appearances for the Foxes before his then record switch to Liverpool. His next destination? Apparently Villa are in the hunt, and I think it makes perfect sense. Martin O’Neill knows him well from their days at Filbert Street, and the manager likes a big body around his group of speedy players. John Carew has been that guy, but he’s a walking medical case. I hope this one goes through.

Mido, Middlesbrough: Replacing Heskey at Wigan could be Mido. If that happens, the curmudgeonly striker would team up with fellow Egyptian national Amir Zaki forming a foreign partnership like few before them in the EPL. I think then, finally, if that was the case, he’d be happy and stop complaining all the time. I can hope anyway.

Didier Drogba, Chelsea: Replacing Mido at Middlesbrough would be Drogba. Ha, yea that was a joke, obviously, but the big Ivory Coast native apparently wants out of Stamford Bridge. What’s new? I think on the list of annoying transfer rumors, he’s up there with Cristiano Ronaldo and Arjen Robben. He says he wants to stay, then he says nice things about his old club Marseille. But he wants to stay. Make up your mind already, I’m tired of hearing about how miserable you are. One thing’s for sure, Chelsea have the most forlorn strikers in history.

The Dressing (as in What To Wear)

2002-2004 Manchester United Home – Long Sleeve – Evans #17

No, no, I didn’t once call the Theater of Dreams my workplace, but I like to think I could while wearing this lovely number. I’ve had it since they came out back in 2002, the year they won the title for the 15th time, and I’ll say this, it still looks great. I think I’m just getting nostalgic looking back at all their titles, especially since more trophies look to be heading their way this year.

Leicester Update:

We got things back on track with a nice win of Yeovil, and we should continue that trend this Saturday with another win over Huddersfield. The gap at the top of the table continues to grow and promotion is becoming clearer. Next year can’t come soon enough.

And Finally…The Black Pudding of the Week

Jose Mourinho, Inter Milan: Has anyone ever watched “Premier League Fan Zone” on FSC? It’s brilliant. Two fans from opposing teams call an entire game, basically bickering the whole 90 minutes. The last installment I caught was the match between Chelsea and Manchester United. The two fans went off on a rant about Jose Mourinho and his next move.

Everyone knows he’s coming back to England, it’s just a matter of when and with who. Back to Chelsea? To Arsenal if Wenger bolts? A replacement for Sir Alex? The real kicker is no matter where he goes, everyone loves him. Most won’t admit it that fact, but he makes things interesting, and that is unquestionable. Come back, Jose!

Shane Evans is an associate editor of Goal.com. His feature, “The Full English” appears every Friday morning.

The spiky comments of Bayern Munich general manager Uli Hoeness will be the last of David Beckham’s worries as he prepares for the real start of his AC Milan loan spell.

Beckham and Milan were the target of a humorous, if slightly poisonous, jibe from Hoeness, who expressed his bewilderment at the way the Rossoneri’s midseason tour of Dubai had turned into a Becks circus.

“We played football whereas they thought they were on a Hollywood film set,” said Hoeness, after Bayern and Milan shared training facilities in the Gulf state. “My job is to run a football club and not to make sure Victoria Beckham has the best suite in the hotel. I cannot understand why Milan accepted these demands.”

There is already some concern in Italy at the possibility of Beckham’s off-field profile negating any positive impact he could have on the club’s injury-stricken midfield.

For Beckham himself, the criticism and skepticism he will undoubtedly receive is inevitable. Instead, he will focus on the primary reason for his temporary switch from the Los Angeles Galaxy – to cling to the last remnants of his England national team career. His fervent desire for international football was a major catalyst behind the loan deal, a move engineered by Beckham that initially caught the Galaxy by surprise.

Over the next two months, England head coach Fabio Capello will be casting a keen eye on Beckham. The Italian has not closed the door on the 33-year-old midfielder, yet he needs some serious convincing that Beckham still has something meaningful to offer to England’s World Cup qualifying campaign.

Yahoo! Sports has learned that Capello has a list of four key factors about Beckham’s game and will need to be convinced that all four are at appropriate levels before he brings him into camp for the next round of World Cup qualifiers – fitness, attitude, technique and personality. These items are hardly surprising, but their existence shows that even after 107 international appearances Beckham does need to constantly prove himself to the boss.

Capello is an admirer of Beckham, especially the player’s drive and spirit, but with a place in South Africa next year at stake, he is in no mood to hand out free caps. He’s already been reassured by a report from the Milan medical team that suggests Beckham is in prime condition and could play until he is 40. But the taxing standard of Serie A will provide a far greater test of Beckham’s physical levels than Major League Soccer. If he is able to crack into the Milan first team, it will be interesting to see how Beckham copes.

In terms of attitude, there is little doubt that Beckham will desperately want to succeed in Italy. He is a proud man and would consider it a blot on his career record if his time in Milan was considered as little more than a promotional sideshow. Yet if his appearances for Carlo Ancelotti’s side are restricted, then it will be interesting to gauge Beckham’s reaction and how he deals with the frustration.

The fact Capello is looking closely at Beckham’s technique is a key point. Beckham is widely regarded as being one of the most technically-gifted crossers and free-kick takers of recent times, and those skills – built up by an indefatigable work ethic from a young age – should never leave him. Most likely, Capello is just seeking reassurance that Beckham’s levels have not dropped while playing against weaker opposition in MLS.

Beckham’s personality is one major reason why he has remained so involved with England for as long as he has. Capello is determined to have a professional and disciplined camp and will not allow a return to the more laidback approach under Sven-Goran Eriksson and Steve McClaren that allowed players far too much freedom.

There is great potential value in having a senior and respected figure like Beckham around to set a positive example to some of the younger players who are starting to emerge under Capello. Most important of those may be Theo Walcott, who looks certain to be England’s long-term future on the right side of midfield. Beckham and the youngster have struck up a surprising friendship, and Capello is understood to be delighted with the way Beckham’s insight and experience is rubbing off on Walcott.

Beckham could make his official Serie A debut against Roma on Sunday and admitted that whether he starts or has to settle for a place on the bench will be “an emotional occasion.” For Capello, who will be watching intently, emotion and sentiment won’t come into play. He is casting an ice-cool and clinical eye over England’s most famous player, and he will make the decision whether to extend Beckham’s England dream with surgical precision.